Heartfelt-Letter IX

Asalam o alaikum.

Hope you are healthy there. Last three days been careless with dietary choices. I am heart broken at the departure of Ramadan. I haven’t talked to you about it much; I tried to fast (except a few days) despite having the leave from Allah SWT for His Pleasure and out of awe and fear of His displeasure. The joy that this month brings to a believer is priceless.

My last few Eids have been different; that’s the essence of life. Struggle. Waging Jihad inside and trying to smile on the front; pretending everything is smooth and calm.

Pain is bittersweet; it brings you closer to Allah. But the test lies in not letting the positivity go. The frequency of dua shouldn’t decrease despite the controversial circumstances. These are big things; I am sorry I can’t be someone who will talk about her wishes and desires for her children and keep it all “disney”. Candies, clothes, cars- that all is capitalism in disguise and I don’t want your standards of wisdom be so low.

Next Ramadan, I will have you with me in sha Allah. Before your birth, I am praying day and night to Allah SWT about a thing that gnaws at my heart everyday.

I am still unprepared; many must be preparing their hospital bag but I am worried about you. Allah SWT has created you perfectly. You have complete belief systems inside you; I am scared of ruining them or being reckless in letting you be governed by sources that shake one’s mere belief system.

The point of sharing my fears with you is to express love. They aren’t meant to be a source of pressure or burden. Another purpose to share my fears with you is to instill the love of deen in you. I pray I acquire the skills well before time.

Eid this year will again be hard; hard because it is difficult to look serene and satisfied on the outside. May Allah grant me patience and gratitude.

The way I share my core concerns and weaknesses with you today, I am looking forward to a heartfelt from you as soon as you gain the skills to talk.

 

Love you.

Gotta go.

Mama.

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