Do you know how it feels?

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October 4th, 2016.

It has been a year; a heart-wrenching, soul numbing period.

Has anyone treated you like a doormat? Or did they treat you like you were secondary. This is an open letter to my “other half”.

issi khayal se guzri hai sham-e-dard aksar

ke dard hadh se guzre ga toh muskura dunga

Do you remember the absence of happiness and excitement for this day? Did you look into your heart? Do you remember looking down upon my dress and face?

Do you remember your room filled with fairy lights? Do you remember the gifts?

I took the pains of winning your heart infinite times. I did what men are supposed to do.
Did you feel anything when you saw your room filled with balloons and your bed with gifts? Did your numb heart feel anything?

Despite the poison and emotional abuse you hurled at me, before that day, EVERY OTHER DAY, I took the pains of bringing a smile on your face, but all in vain.

You just don’t know yet how it feels; you have been quite unreasonable. Unreasonably rude and cold. I prayed for you. I smiled when you expressed your dislike for me. I smiled and giggled it off when you told me you didn’t want the marriage!

Do you remember how reluctant you were to get a photograph with me? Have you ever felt the excruciating pain when your other half, smiling in your face, constantly spits out statements of rejection & dislike and disowns them?

Hey you! The one I have prayed for in the darkness of nights. Have you ever felt that I was your “other half” too?

Are you familiar with the pain of an amputated limb? Like the upper half of your body is hollow? That’s what you have been till now. My other, cut/hollow half.

Do you remember you came to sign the papers as a mere contract? Do you remember your ruthlessness? Do you remember the apathy that shined through your face?

My other half, do you even remember any moment of this day? Did you even know what a marriage is before signing the papers? Did you?

shehr ke bashinde nafraton ko bo ker bhi,

intezar kerte hain fasal ho mohabbat ki

It felt like somebody constantly stabbed me; it still feels the same. It wasn’t a mere contract for me. It was my marriage. It was my day. You ruined it with your conditions and barriers. Nothing was mutual. It was all yours; a contract. A deal! Oh! here’s your favorite word. Do you remember posing on the stage just to get some papers signed and getting your visa process easier? Oh, how well you can fake your smile. The tone in your laughter; well done!

Do you remember looking down upon me? Do you know how it feels when someone treats you as secondary.

What will you apologize for? For treating me like your packet of Doritos? For treating me like your empty coke bottle? Done and dusted; to the bin! Like I wasn’t your other half; like I was some garbage.

Did you notice the absence of your efforts? Did you dare to notice the absence of respect? Did you? To look inside, one needs courage. Courage, my other half!
Who were you cheating on? Me or our Creator.
You took some vows and committed for a lifelong responsibility.
You were wearing a crown of denial; you were carrying deception. You embodied apathy so beautifully. You portrayed yourself so well; so so well! Why don’t you go down your memory lane today?

May Allah take you out of darkness and bring you into light. May you get some insight into yourself and how you embody rejection, dislike, regret and self-praise with such audacity!
I am not your doormat. My value is defined by my Creator. I don’t need you to give me value. Your responsibility of making this marriage an example was your own; you did what you committed. You are my companion, not my savior. I don’t know where will life go.

I will rise and shine.
And now, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you disown me or regret marrying me.
I AM NOT SECONDARY!

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